Afterbirth: Trump, Tacos, and Hidden Heritage

What a whirlwind election season this has been. Emails, geographically challenged libertarians, egg mcmuffins, emails, walls, talking oranges (No not that one), and more emails. Also deplorables and nasty women. And probably more emails.
And to what end? We voted for the Orange. A sneaky Orange with bad hair.

But why is he orange? What is he trying to hide? Lizard skin? An unsightly mole? That weird skin disease Michael Jackson had?

The truth lies behind that infamous wall. He's trying to keep out Mexicans because they know him for what he truly is: one of them. That's right, Trump is Mexican and ashamed of it.

The question of why is anyone's guess. The outrage is not. Donald promised that if we elected Secretary Clinton, there would be a taco truck on every corner. Trump being Mexican means that he is easily more qualified to deliver on this promise, but he's holding out on us.

Where are our taco trucks, Donald? That wasn't in your 100 day plan that I definitely bothered to read. We want food truck tacos. After all, they're made of mysterious things, will probably cause a lot of distress in our near future, but we don't care because it seems yummy and it's a change from the lunchables we've been eating every day for years. By all accounts, this should be right up your alley. They're even often family run.

We need to demand that the President Elect reveal is birth certificate, embrace his Mexican heritage, and give us the food trucks we deserve. Make America taco again!

This is our new birther movement! Our rebirth, if you will. Wait, that may be too positive. The afterbirther movement! You know, that ugly red-orange stuff that comes after. Do yourself a favor and keep that taco down by not Googling it.

I'm really sorry to Mexicans by associating you with Donald Trump. I'm also sorry for that Annoying Orange link at the top. And in 30 minutes, I'll be sorry I ate all of those tacos.

The Earth is a Great Cubicuboctahedron

The Flat Earth Society is a group of humans who have cleverly discovered that the earth is not round, but in fact flat. This may seem contrary to what the government has indoctrinated you with, but the evidence presented is pretty damning of the idea that our world is round. Reasons for this include the fact that you can't see the curvature of the earth on flat ground, and many circumnavigation attempts that ended tragically when the ships were never seen again. It seems pretty clear to Flat Earthers (FEs) that they went off the edge of the earth. Other successful attempts were of course, fraudulent.

There is certainly wisdom behind this logic, but the conclusion is not quite correct.

Our world is certainly not round, simple logic dictates that. But it is not one flat plane, either. It is in fact many flat planes. The earth is a great cubicuboctohedron.

For those unfamiliar with the term, a great cubicuboctohedron is a nonconvex uniform polyhedron, one which has 20 faces, and 24 vertices.

This is, in fact, a common formation in space, naturally formed by interstellar gas, and is actually the most efficient shape in the known universe. Gene Roddenberry seemed cognizant of this fact when he designed the fleet operated by the Borg.

With this knowledge, a lot of FES claims still hold up pretty well. There still is no curvature, land appears flat because it is.

This does make it possible, albeit perilous, to circumnavigate the earth. The key is changing planes at the correct location, where 2 planes meet rather than 3 planes. You see, that sharp corner formed by 3 planes will impale your boat like a toothpick through a giant, boat-shaped rueben. 2 planes, however, can be navigated safely with caution.

As far as FE's idea that the sun revolves around the earth, that is of course complete hogwash. Everyone knows the sun is just a giant flashlight floating in the sky created by the United States Democratic Party.

Foiled: What You May Not Know About Elements in Hat-Making

Ah, the tin foil hat. Many look fondly upon this symbol of the enlightened, the great protector of our free will, thoughts, and sometimes even precious bodily fluids. But alas, you may not be as protected as you think!

You see, in these times, the term "tin foil" is in fact, a misnomer. If I were to ask you to get me some tin foil, you would likely find that familiar elongated box with the shiny tube inside. You would then bring it to me smugly, wondering why I thought someone would ever struggle with such a simple, menial task. Then I would take that box and smack you upside the head with it, because the label would clearly say "Aluminum Foil"

You see, back in the 1940's, we started moving away from putting tin in those little boxes, obviously because that's what the lizard people wanted. Being cheaper, more durable, and not making your food smell like tin were just media lies. What's the difference, you may wonder? I'm so happy you asked that question, and the answer may surprise you.

Crystals.

You see, tin is a crystalline metal. It is actually made up of tiny crystals (no, really). As you all likely know, crystals have many magical properties, such as healing powers, enabling time travel, and the creation of weaponized satellite lasers.

This is the force that keeps the mind-reading reptilians at bay. You're probably reading this thinking that I'm insane, and your aluminum hat has been working just fine. Is that you thinking that, or is it them making you think that? I think we all know the answer. Or we would, if we were wearing hats made from actual tin.

Of course, there are those of you who like their hats simply for the chick-magnet appeal. I hate to break it to you gentlemen, but aluminum is non-ferrous.